The Boardroom Beat #31 - Is “Should” Good?

The converse question; Is “should” bad? The verdict depends on these three M’s:

1.    Motivation - What drives “should?”
2.    Manifestation - What does “should” impact?
3.    Meaning - What’s the big picture?

Coach-ism #1: "Should” is a trigger word to be explored. It often connotes unhealthy drivers that, at best, remove agency and joy from accomplishment. Worse, a mantra of “should” may result in self-derision, overwhelm, and inertia. 

Coach-ism #2: Avoid assumptions and replace judgment with curiosity. This applies to #1 when a client mentions “should” in session. It is a yellow flag, not a red flag, so proceed with caution and questions.

Explore if “should” aligns with values and priorities. It often has more complicated roots.

*    Social Media Influence
Client belief: I should be a superwoman who effortlessly and flawlessly combines professional success with parenting ease.
Reality: From facial wrinkles to posts of fairy tale lives, perfection in social media is digitally edited. Aspiring to match enhanced ideals is defeating.

*    Corporate Culture Influence
Client belief: I should pursue a promotion.
Reality: Current role aligns with priorities in this life season. Contentment is not an indicator of complacency; learning and growth may take multiple forms.

*    Family Foundation Influence
Client belief: As a child my siblings and I left Vietnam in a shrimp boat with our parents, traveling for three days to a refugee camp in Malaysia. Eventually a relative in the U.S. was able to sponsor our family. I should have honored my parent’s wish for me to be a doctor or lawyer, indebted to their sacrifice and to assuage their concerns for my income security.
Reality: With passion and a gift for marketing and management this client built an impressive career in marketing. Even so, the outwardly brilliant career trajectory disguised an ongoing cycle of pursuit of perfection and then burnout, rooted in proving self and success.  

*    Self-Determined Values and Priorities
Client Belief: Working relentlessly is a necessity for success. I should work harder, but I prioritize wellness and self-care.
Reality: Delegation is not the manifestation of laziness. It is a component of effective succession planning which empowers others. 

If the authoritative source of “should” is external, compounded by unrealistic or obligatory expectations, the results will be demoralizing. Productivity, role satisfaction, and self-worth will decrease. An internet search of “should” yields reams of cautionary admonitions.

My perspective stands as unique; “Should” statements are not inherently bad. Start by discerning the motivation of “should.” While many are detrimental, when “should” is based on personal values, and then embraced with intention, the outcomes may be positive. Coaching activations are often manifested via exploration of the the inner truths of “should.” Examples are daily and infinite, here are a few:

•    I should succession plan; I will delegate and provide supportive mentoring.
•    I should empower initiative and growth; I will answer answer questions with questions and encourage appropriate risk.
•    I should support my employee’s pursuit of a promotion; I will give honest, helpful, and timely feedback.
•    I should be more confident; I will use my voice in meetings.
•    I should get a promotion; I will take ownership of my career path with a cadence of career touchpoint with my lead.
•    I should leave my current company; I will have tough conversations and first explore resolution of what is not going well.

Commitment to action is transformational. The reframe of “I should” becomes “I will.”
Prevalent school of thought emphasizes the shadow cast by “should.” I suggest another perspective. Ownership of “should” with choice and intention may be a beam of light that illuminates your path to pursuits, the dreams you dare, the choices you make. What starts as a notion of “should” may become a purposeful choice to eliminate a mindset or activate a plan. 

"The Little Engine That Could” is a widely known American folktale that was first published in 1930. Listed by the American National Education Association as one of its Teacher’s Top 100 Books for Children, it encourages the values of value of optimism and hard work. In the story the Little Engine overcomes assumed limitations with repeated self-talk of “I think I can.” For a twist, why not juxtapose “could” and “should.” 

Author’s Note - Though buried deep in search citations, I did find an article In Harvard Business Review that that brought objectivity to the subject of “should.” If you wish to delver further, I encourage you to read "Why Should Is Not Good For You."